Becoming a Full-Time Stay-At-Home-Mom

The Big Decision
The couple has their first kid, are excited in its grooming and development. The husband works as a Banker in a large foreign bank drawing a very attractive salary; the wife works as a Logistics Assistant Manager drawing a comfortable salary. They name their kid Brad* after their favorite male actor.

After confinement, the wife returns to work, leaving Brad* in the care of her mother who stays a few blocks away. Soon she starts to collapse under the strain of juggling work and taking care of Brad*, and goes into depression.

At the doctor's advice, and after consideration, the couple decide that the wife should quit her job and be a stay-at-home mum. It sounds like a good idea, she would have less strains, and can bond with Brad* better, taking care of him closely during the first few years of his development.

However, after a year, the wife decides to return to the workforce, because being a stay-at-home-mom brings about more issues, ironically.

The issues faced by the wife in this case study are common, and faced by many full time mothers of today. Most of them thought that the idea of not having to work very attractive, so that they could focus fully on bringing up the kids properly. However, they soon learn that this role comes with its own set of problems and stress as well; sometimes even more grating than working.

The Issues of this Decision
Firstly, the Stay-At-Home-Mum (hereinafter known as "SAHM") begins to feel more insecure and paranoid. She starts to panic when the husband works overtime and when his mobile phone ring at night. She wonders if he is seeing someone else, and picks fights with her husband very often because of her own lack of confidence. It is inevitable - she has too much time alone at home with the kids (and perhaps the maid), none of whom she could talk much to or make her feel important enough yet.

Grace*, who had been an SAHM for three years in all following the birth of her first and second children, attests to this. "Yes, I felt so lost then, I felt like I only had the kids to talk to! And they frustrated me! I kept wondering if my husband was lying to me when he ignored my rantings about the kids, and when he needed to travel for work or do overtime. It was a very painful period I just kept feeling inferior." She has returned to the workforce recently as a secretary working eight full hours a day, slowly regaining confidence in herself.

Secondly, the status between husband and wife now becomes different. When they both used to work and contribute to household expenditure together (regardless of proportion), she finds she has more say in everything. Now, being dependent 100% on her spouse for support and livelihood, she finds she tends to agree or acquiescence with the husband's decision more readily, even though she may not be very happy inside.

"There is a sense of inferiority within me that I felt I had to agree with him and not be too demanding. After all, he is supporting us," May*, an SAHM for close to two years. "I feel the need to be a little subservient, sadly, like I shouldn't burden him with complaints or unhappiness because he already has a huge enough chip on his shoulders, now that I am no longer contributing to the household income."

The husband, knowing that he is now the sole breadwinner, feels more empowered to make decisions on his own rather than seeking the wife's opinions on everything. Also, he expects to be treated better for his role now - whether she prepares dinner or has maids to do it, he would expect dinner to be ready / warmed when he comes back, expect the house to be tidied and the kids to be healthy and well.

"It is a very natural thing - I contribute monetarily, she contributes by looking after the house well. After all, she has the entire day to do it," Jack*, who is the sole provider for his family, shares. He feels that a man is entitled to make important decisions and implement them without consulting the wife ("Must inform, yes, but no need to seek permission, I feel?" he asks). When he changed his home locks to the thumbprint-scanning lock and authorized repair works to the cracked faucet in the bathroom, he just went ahead, later merely informing the wife of the progress or changes.

May* shares her views on this, "I do not agree with what Jack* says. My husband still asks me for opinions when he wants to change anything; it is a mutual respect." She adds on, as though as an afterthought,:"I do feel more reliant and needy upon him, though. Like, when I did not know how to operate the new rice cooker, I would call him at his office, thus irritating him because he does not want to be bothered on household details as such during office hours. This makes me feel even more depressed and panicky."

Thirdly, the couple start to have communication issues. The SAHM seldom goes out, or if she does, she always has the kids in toll. For the entire day, all she does is face the house, face the kids, gets frustrated easily and all she ever says is baby-talk. This in turn reduces her level of intelligence and societal knowledge. She no longer keeps track of the news as she used to, or has colleagues' stories to trade and amuse the husband with.

When the husband returns home from work, he is so exhausted he does not appreciate the wife's nagging at and rantings about the kids and the house. He wants some peace and to unwind. "I try to talk to her, tell her about my day, but nothing seems to register since she does not work anymore," Jack informs us. "When she used to work, at least we could trade stories about our days at work and network with each other's colleagues. "

Ian*, whose wife opted to be an SAHM after the birth of their third child, feels similarly as Jack* does, as well. "She chose to be the SAHM even though she knows I earn barely enough to get by. So we scrimp and save, have no family vacations, and cannot afford insurance other than the MediShield upgrades." He shakes his head in dismay, looking. "All she wants to tell me about now is what the kids did, what the kids didnt do, etc. I am interested of course, those are my kids; but other than the kids, we don't seem to find common grounds anymore."

Communication and interaction between a couple is very important. If a couple does not even has the basic level of communication, or are able to communicate effectively, the marriage will soon breakdown.

Fourthly, the SAHM gets irritated easily. It is not easy staying at home the entire day and needing to feed the babies, cleaning up after them, washing them, teaching them or even bringing them out alone. Their lives seem to just evolve around the kids and household. Even those with the help of maids, still find it tough work to monitor the maid's progress with the kid. They get overly-protective and overly-competitive of their kids and progress.

"I remember telling an auntie (old lady) off when she did not press the lift button to open the doors. My daughter nearly got squashed by the closing lift doors, thank god I managed to rush forward in time. So I turned to her and gave her a good ticking off. In the past I never told anyone off, much less complete strangers," Tracy* finishes. She recalls herself as being very rational, calm and docile when she was still working as a Marketing Executive.

Fifthly, some of the SAHMs do not bother to dress up anymore. They feel there is no need to do so, since the husbands have seen them without makeup; and the kids certainly wouldnt mind if their mother remarried. When the women start to slack on their apperance, they would sooner or later gain weight as well.

Men are visual creatures. If the lovely woman they fell in love with and married eventually, suddenly morphs into someone else, it is a major push factor for them to start looking at (and admiring) other females. This could lead to more problems, with the husbands eventually seeing other women outside of the marriage as "mistresses" or "extramarital affairs".

When such happens, it would bring us back to the First Point, whereby the inferior-feeling, confidence-less wives began calling up every single one of his friends or relative to check on his whereabouts.  This would also ensue more confrontations, fights and hurt feelings.

Conclusion
Hence, potential or newly-appointed SAHMs,  do consider very carefully before you pull the plunge on your career for a role that does not get appreciated as much as it is being portrayed / glorified on TV.

The notion of staying at home and doing nothing but spend time grooming and developing the kid, is definitely appealing to most women at first. However, one has to question themselves very honestly, whether they would start to feel insecure or whether they are still able to keep up with news or society so as not to estranged on the outside world entirely.

Those who think that they can "take a few years off work" for family development, need to think thrice too. After a few years of not working, would they still be able to motivate themselves to hunt for a good job? Would they still be familiar with the new systems or corporate cultures by then? Would they still be able to feel confident in the workforce, after being shut up inside their homes for years? Will they be able to handle it if they can no longer have back the same position, and may even have to work under people much younger than them?

It is not an easy role for sure. The ideal SAHM needs to be strong, good at juggling husband and kid, independent, understanding, supportive and confident; it is nothing like a piece of cake. She needs to be able to handle the kids well  and help with their homework; at the same time ensuring that her husband is well-served in the sense that he gets his dinner, and only get to hear her complaints over the weekend.


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