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Thursday, 30 January 2014

Abusive Relationships or Partners

The Sweet Beginnings
He was the perfect gentleman, and she was the sweetest girl on earth; they fell in love, so it was inevitable that they got together. Everything was perfect for them - every date was a dream come true, every joke was laughed twice over, and every gift was to be cherished. The days were saccharine and the nights were vivacious - this was the kind of relationship they hoped to maintain. 

Well, who doesn't?

The First Blow For Her
As all relationships go, disagreements soon set in. He doesn't like what she wears; she does not like his sloppiness. They try to talk about it, but it ends up in raised voices and tears - and then his hands could not be controlled. They lash out and slap her arm, very hard. Then he kicks shin; she falls back onto the floor shocked and hurting.

She may take some time to realize that she has been hit before she assessed the damages - both physically and emotionally. 

In future, when they have heated arguments again, she would gradually develope phobia of being hit again. Sometimes, she may even think of attacking him back.

But other times, she just fills her mind with the happier memories, and hopes that the abuse would not repeat.

The First Blow for Him
As for why he had hit her, the reasons are aplenty.

Firstly, he was so angry / jealous at something that she had said or done, so he lashed out even before his mind could fully process what was happening.. He feels extremely guilty, and vows to himself that he would never hit her again.

Secondly, she had to be taught a lesson because she was too dumb or stubborn, or she had deliberately provoked him into doing so. The blow was justifiable - in fact, he should hit her harder in future if this first smack did not serve to teach her a good lesson.

Thirdly, he was so emotionally welled-up he could not help it - he was literally trembling with anger, and had to vent his frustration at her. It empowered him, and made him feel strong and superior over her. He was taught to be this way when growing up, and this is the right method to handle women like her.  Now he understands why his father / mother / guardian / relative / grandparent used to torture him physically when he did wrong as well.

Alarming Signs
If he has violent streaks in him, and gets agitated easily, it could be that he has a very nasty temper or has suffered violent treatment in the past. He flares up easily, raises his voice, throws things around and always threatens to hit someone if they do not abide by his will. 

For some people, though, the violent tendencies are not shown until the couple are married or have had sex - only when he feels that she belong to him truly would he allow himself to show his weakness, i.e. being unable to handle his own violent behavior.

A couple of rare cases are even more frightening - a benign, kindly looking lecturer or nurse, who is popular and well-received in his / her workplace, has hidden violent inclination that they only exhbit at homes toward their family members or partners.

Other more common cases of violent occurences are due to the inflicters being intoxicated, drunk or under the influence of drugs. 

Solutions on How to Handle Abusive Partners
Firstly, even though the urge is strong to just hit back immediately, or throw something at them to hurt them back or halt them - please do not. This would potentially turn the abuse into a full-fledge fight and someone may get seriously hurt. 

Secondly, never ever accept that you deserve to be hit, or that being hit means that you have done something wrong and need to learn. Never believe that a partner has any right to hit you at all - if they cannot settle a disagreement with words alone, they do not love you enough. No one should inflict bodily harm upon another.

Thirdly, help them if they are willing to change. If your partner has severe anger management issues, substance or alcohol addictions, or trauma from childhood  abuse - do encourage them (when they are calmed down, of course) to seek help with counsellors and / or psychiatrists. They would be able to attempt talking sense and helping your partners deal with their issues, and of course there are medications to help control one's moods.

Next, inform someone, maybe his family members or your family members / friends. Do not suffer in silence - but this is also not to let them look up your partner to return the favour. You just need someone to be aware of what is happening, so that one day if something untoward happens to you or you are in danger, at least they may have an idea of where to look for you or which suspect to inform the relevant authorities of.

Lastly, assess clearly if he or she is worth keeping. The likelihood of this person never repeating their violent acts is close to zero, unless they become handicapped - ditch him or her if possible. There have been many case studies all over the world where partners are being killed accidentally due to domestic violence - never put yourself in potential harm's way. If they are unwilling to change or seek help for you and for the sake of your relationship, you know it is time to walk away. 

It simply means that he / she would rather kill you one day in anger than put themselves through treatment of their own problems.

Similarly, if your partner exhibits weird behaviour such as pouring ice cold water onto you when you're sound sleeping, cutting off your long braid, or holding you upside down just to threaten you, it means that they have abusive nature within them as well - even sadistic, in fact. It may be time to get them help or kiss goodbye.

Be extra careful though, too - some people, when dumped, may resort to even more erratic violent means such as stalking you, dousing you with kerosene to burn you or simply harming you. Be alert and seek protection from friends or family members if need be, and vary your daily routines. Make a police report if abuse is serious or leaves bruises. At least get a Personal Protection Order in place.

Good luck!

This article is written by the author of this blog, and no part may be reproduced or distributed without permission. Copyright  © thearcticstar. All Rights Reserved.

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